PROVIDED BY: OverTheHillCarPeople.Com


Don't Ever Give Up!

Senior Moments!

Y'all will appreciate these:

Alphabet for old folks
A for Arthritis, 
B for Bad Back, 
C is for Chest pains. Perhaps Cardiac? 
D is for Dental Decay and Decline, 
E is for Eyesight--can't read that top line. 
F is for Fissures and Fluid retention 
G is for Gas (which I'd rather not mention) 
H High blood pressure [I'd rather have low) 
I for Incisions with scars you can show. 
J is for Joints, that now fail to flex 
L for Libido--what happened to sex? 
  Wait! I forgot about K! 
K is for Knees that crack when they're bent 
  This brings us to M... (Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent) 
N for Neurosis, pinched Nerves and stiff Neck 
O is for Osteo-and all bones that crack 
P for Prescriptions, I have quite a few . 
  Give me another Pill; I'll be good as new! 
Q is for Queasiness. Fatal or flu? 
R is for Reflux--one meal turns into two 
S is for Sleepless nights, counting my fears 
T for Tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears 
U is for Urinary: difficulties with flow 
V is for Vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know. 
W is Worry, now what's going 'round? 
X is for X-ray - and what might be found. 
Y for another Year I've left behind 
Z is for Zest that I still have my mind, I have survived 
all the symptoms my body's deployed,and kept twenty-six 
doctors gainfully employed!!! 

 Submitted By Brenda Delawder

 

Ten Top Indicators That Your Employer Has Changed To A Cheaper Health Careplan:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.  

(9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.  

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter>

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."  

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

And The Number One Sign You've Joined A Very Cheap Health Care Plan:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape. 

Submitted By Bill Gay

 

Did You See THAT at the Mall?

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall during the after Christmas sales. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
Submitted By Jim Conlee
 

 

Reasons to Stay Away from Florida

A group of seniors were sitting around the pool in sunny Florida talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled, "volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up, I can't hear you," said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk," exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully.

"THANK GOD WE CAN ALL DRIVE!"
Submitted By Jim Conlee

 


>> Subject: Old People are so funny!!!!
>>
>> Subject: Old People
>> Isn't This The Truth!
>>
>> A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a
>> senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their
>> generation to understand his. You grew up in a different world, the
>> student said ….  loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.
>> Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on
>> the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy,
>> electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ....
>> and uh...........Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer
>> said, You're right.  We didn't have those things when we were young; so
>> we invented them, you little twit!
>> What the hell are you doing for the next generation??
>> ?<>?<>?<>?
>>
>> OLD AGE
>> And what do you think is the best thing about being 104? the reporter
>> asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
>> ---------------------------------------
>> The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
>> -----------------------------------------
>> Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
>> elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"  "98" she replied.
>> "Two years older than me."
>> "So you're 96" the undertaker commented.
>> She responded "Hardly worth going home is it?"
>> -------------------------------------------
>> I've sure gotten old.  I've had 2 by-pass surgeries.  A hip replacement,
>> new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.  I'm half blind, can't
>> hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications
>> that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.  Have bouts with
>> dementia.  Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
>> Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....
      Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
>> ---------------------------------------------
>> A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want
     my sex drive lowered."
>> "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97.  Don't you think your sex drive
       is all in your head?"
>> "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man.
>> "That's why I want it lowered!"
>> ----------------------------------------------
>> God, grant me the senility To forget the people I never liked anyway,
      the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
>> difference.
>> ----------------------------------------------
>> An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her
>> final requests.
>> She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
>> cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
>> "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
>> "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
>> ?<>?<>?<>?-----------------------------------------


>> The reality of aging:
>> An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
>> pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist asked, "How many?"
>> The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into
>> four pieces."
>> Upon hearing that the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That
>> won't get you through sex."
>> The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old, and I don't even
>> think about sex anymore.  I just want it to stick out far enough so I
>> don't.............pee on my shoes."
>>
>> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>> Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention
>> Deficit Disorder.
>> This is how it manifests:
>> I decide to wash my car.
>> As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall
>> table.
>> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>> I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can
>> under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
>> So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash
>> first.
>> But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out
>> the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
>> I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check
>> left.
>> My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I
>> find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
>> I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside
>> so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
>> I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the
>> refrigerator to keep it cold.
>> As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the
>> counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
>> I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
>> that I've been searching for all morning.
>> I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
>> the flowers.
>> I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
>> and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
>> Someone left it on the kitchen table.
>> I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the
>> remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide
>> to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
>> flowers.
>> I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
>> So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up
>> the spill.
>> Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
>> At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid,
      there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't
      watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote,
      I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.


>> Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
>> baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
>> I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
>> it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
>> Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
>> because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
>> Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!


>>
>> GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
>> GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
>> LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
>>
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> Life rolls on , some faster and some slower, to each their own.---
>>
>> Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
>> State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to
>> himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on
>> his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that
>> there are five old ladies --two in the front seat and three in the back
     - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
>> The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
>> understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the
>> problem?"
>> "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know
>> that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
>> drivers."
>> "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed
>> limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
>> proudly.
>> The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
>> that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
>> A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
      pointing out her error.
>> "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car
>> ok ? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single
>> peep this whole time." the officer asks.


>> "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
>>
>> ?<>?<>?<>?-----------------------------------------------------------


>> Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the
>> lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and
     said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have
>> sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked
>> surprised but didn't say a word.

     The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there,

     but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,
     and give you the most romantic evening.

>> The female didn't answer but after a couple minutes, starts digging
>> down in her purse.

      She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice

      Romantic evening in my room," says the old man. "Hell, no," replies the
      old lady.


>> "I want four times in the rocking chair!"
>>
>> ?<>?<>?<>?-----------------------------------------------------
>> The Nursing Home
>> A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her,
>> hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed
>> her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window
>> overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while
>> she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses
>> immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
>> Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over
>> to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back
>> upright. This went on all morning.
>> Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her
>> new home.
>> "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
>> "It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
>> ?<>?<>?<>?
Submitted By Bill Bolin

 

 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist, "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.

Submitted By Bill Gay

 

 

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)


Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no! little children of her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't! mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' 

Send this to other grandparents. It will make their day.

God gives us free will!  What we do with it is up to us.

Peace be with you!

 Submitted By Jim Conlee

 

----- > ----- Draft the Old Guys

>>> If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country
>>> track down those responsible for killing thousands
>>> of innocent people in New York City and Washington,
>>> DC, but, I'm over 55 now and the Armed Forces say
>>> I'm too old to track down terrorists.

>>> You can't be  older than 35 to join the military. They've got the
>>> whole thing backwards. Instead of sending
>>> 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old
>>> guys.
>>>
>>> You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least
>>> 35. For starters:
>>>
>>> Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every
>>> 10 seconds.

>>>
>>> Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a
>>> day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds
>>> per day to concentrate on the enemy.
>>>
>>> Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky,
>>> and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we
>>> can't kill the enemy, we'll complain them into
>>> submission. My back hurts!, I'm hungry! Where's the
>>> remote control?
>>>
>>> An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you
>>> shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough
>>> to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other
>>> hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the
>>> time he's 55 and a jaunt through the desert heat
>>> with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the
>>> old beer belly.
>>>
>>> An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before
10 a.m.
>>> Old guys get up early (
5 a.m.) every morning to pee.
>>>
>>> If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans
>>> because we'd probably forget where we put them. In
>>> fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real
>>> brainteaser.

>>> Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys.
>>> We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we
>>> actually like soft food.  We've also developed a
>>> deep appreciation for pistols and rifles. We like
>>> them almost better than naps.
>>>

       They could lighten up on the obstacle course
>>> however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single
>>> 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor
>>> did I ever do any pushups after completing basic
>>> training.  I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, Get
>>> down and give me...er...one.;
>>> And the running part is kind of a waste of energy.
>>> I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
>>>
>>> An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
>>> He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a
>>> conversation, and to wear pants without the top of
>>> his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking
>>> out.

>>> He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue
>>> catches food
>>> particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back
>>> seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.
>>>
>>> All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn
>>> a little more about life before sending them off to
>>> possible death.

>>> Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten
>>> cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The
>>> last thing the enemy would want to see right now is
>>> a couple of million old coots with attitudes.
>>>
>>> Share this with your senior friends  (It's purposely
>>> in big type for us old guys...) Submitted By Don D.

 

Subj:       30 Years makes a difference 
Date:      
8/30/2004 9:33:38 AM Central Daylight Time
From:      JKCONLEE
To:          SPOACDC1

 30 Years makes a difference
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair


1973:
KEG
2003: EKG



1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux



1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm



1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor




1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM



1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian



1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint



1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones



1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office



1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system



1973: Disco
2003: Costco



1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved



1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test



1973: Whatever
2003: Depends



Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at
Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mind set of this year's incoming freshmen.  Here's this year's list:


The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.


Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.


The CD was introduced the year they were born.


They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.



They cannot fathom not having a remote control.


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".



They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.


McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Do you feel old yet?  Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.  Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

 

> From North Arkansas
> E-mail From Don
> Subject: Victoria's Secret


> A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie
> for
> his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
> in
> price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
>
> He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
> He
> presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
> it
> for him.
>
> Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might
> as
> well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked and return it
> tomorrow - and get a $500 refund for myself.
>
> So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
>
> The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron
> it!"
>
> His funeral is Tuesday.
>
 

E-mail From: Jim Conlee (jkconlee@aol.com )

Do You Have A.A.A.D.D. ?

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

… As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

… I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

… I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

… So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

… But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

… I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left

… My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

… I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

… As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

… I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

… I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

… I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

… Someone left it on the kitchen table.

… I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

… I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

… So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

… Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

… At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

… Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

… I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

… Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

… Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!


GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

 

E-Mail From: Nordc 6-27-04

"LIFE IS NOT A JOURNEY TO THE GRAVE WITH THE INTENTION OF ARRIVING SAFELY IN A PRETTY AND WELL PRESERVED BODY, BUT RATHER TO SLIDE IN BROADSIDE, THOROUGHLY USED UP, TOTALLY WORN OUT, AND LOUDLY PROCLAIMING - WOW - WHAT A RIDE!!!"
 

Subj:       Senior Moments 
Date:      
6/26/2004 4:09:53 PM Central Daylight Time
From:      pog1493@infionline.net
To:          Spoacdc1@aol.com

Jack,  Here’s one that fits the “Senior Moments” section.

Click Here: http://webs.lanset.com/lindenschmitt/epix/OverTheHillSwing.htm

Regards,

Alex & Patsy O Gray
pog1493@infionline.net

 

 Subj:       Exercise for Seniors 
Date:      
6/14/2004 8:30:56 PM Central Daylight Time
From:      dbrice@mindspring.com  Don Brice
To:          SPOACDC1@aol.com

Sent from the Internet (Details)

NEW EXERCISE PROGRAM FOR SENIORS

Here's the exercise program I am using to stay in shape this year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.


      ALWAYS CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE
      STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.

      NOW SCROLL DOWN...











 

 

 

 NOW SCROLL UP...

      That's enough for the first day              
      We don't want to overdo it!!!


 

 

Jack,

I think I have seen this one before, but thought you might enjoy.

This is a true example of what human kindness is all about. Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following  letter.  The letter was sent to the principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the luncheon as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School;

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it’s nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said kiss my a--!

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna Walters
Submitted By Don Brice

 

Subject:            A Florida Story
 
  A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.
  He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
  blowing through what little hair he had left.

  “This is great,” he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the
   pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror
   and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

  “I can get away from him with no problem” thought the man and he tromped
  it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.
  Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.”
 

  He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to
  catch-up with him.
  The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
  “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 10 minutes, it’s
  Friday and I have the weekend off. If you can give me a reason why you
  were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
 

  The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with
  a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”
  The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day.”
  Submitted By Ron Humerickhouse

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're it
2. Hide and go pee
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6. Musical recliners
7. Simon says something incoherent
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy


SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.


OLD IS WHEN:

1.    Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2.    You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.

3.    Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4.    Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5.    An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

6.    A Friend is Like a Good Bra -- Hard to Find, Supportive,
Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

Submitted By Don Brice

 

74-Year-Old Survives Attack by Alligator

SANIBEL, Fla. (April 22) - A 74-year-old woman survived an attack by a nearly 10-foot-long alligator that bit her on the leg and arm and dragged her into a lake.

Jane C. Keefer was stable and in good condition at HealthPark Medical Center early Thursday, hospital officials said.

Police said Keefer was attacked at about 8 p.m. Wednesday as she was gardening near the bank behind her home.

Bitten first on the leg, Keefer was able to fight the alligator off, Sanibel Police Chief Bill Tomlinson said.

The reptile lunged at her a second time, biting her arm and dragging her into the water, before her husband, William, was able to help her get away, said Lar Gregory, an investigator with the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.

Authorities captured the alligator at 10:45 p.m. behind Keefer’s home. It will be destroyed.

“This is the kind of gator that will kill you,” said trapper John French.

Don't mess with the old Ladies!

 

How To Get Out of A Ticket:


An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too
Submitted By James Conlee


Benefits of age
> A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it
> true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be
> taken for the rest of my life?"
>
>       "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
>       There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm
>       wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription
>        is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
>
>      -----------------------------------------
>      Geriatric humor
>
>       An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting
>       surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the
>       operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak
>       to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?"
>       "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it
>       doesn't go well, if something happens to me .. your mother is
>       going to come and live with you and your wife...."
>
>       -----------------------------------------
>       Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
>       your age and start bragging about it.
>
>       ------------------------------------------
>       The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
>
>       ------------------------------------------
>       Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
>       people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some
         of the roads weren't paved.
>
>      --------------------------------------------
>       How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are! ?
>
>      ----------------------------------------------
>       When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
>       think of Algebra.
>
>       ---------------------------------------------
>       You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or
>        leaks.
>
>       ----------------------------------------------
>       I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
>
>       ----------------------------------------------
>       One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is
>       such a nice change from being young.
>
>        ----------------------------------------------
>       First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to
>       pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
>
>       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>      A WELL PLANNED LIFE????
>      Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
>      One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you
>      manage to live a well planned life? " " Yes," said her friend. "My
>      first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an
>      actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an
>      undertaker."
>      Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well
>      planned life?"
>
>      "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four
> to go."
>Submitted By Bonnie Miller

 

Subject: Changes in Life as you age

             1974: Long hair
             2004: Longing for hair

             1974: The perfect high
             2004: The perfect high yield mutual fund

             1974: KEG
             2004: EKG

             1974: Acid rock
             2004: Acid reflux

             1974: Moving to California because it's cool
             2004: Moving to California because it's warm

             1974: Growing pot
             2004: Growing pot belly

             1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz
             Taylor
             2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz
             Taylor

             1974: Seeds and stems
             2004: Roughage

             1974: Killer weed
             2004: Weed killer

             1974: Hoping for a BMW
             2004: Hoping for a BM

             1974: The Grateful Dead
             2004: Dr. Kevorkian

             1974: Going to a new, hip joint
             2004: Receiving a new hip joint

             1974: Rolling Stones
             2004: Kidney Stones

             1974: Being called into the principal's office
             2004: Calling the principal's office

             1974: Screw the system
             2004: Upgrade the system

             1974: Disco
             2004: Costco

             1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
             2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

             1974: Passing the driver's test
             2004: Passing the vision test

             1974: Whatever
             2004: Depends

             Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this  will
            certainly  change things :

            The people who are starting college this fall across  the
            nation were  born in 1986. They are too young to remember the
            space shuttle blowing up.

            Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

            Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

            The CD was introduced the year they were born.

            They have always had an answering machine.

            They have always had cable.

            They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

            Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

            Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

            They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

            They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are!

            They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

            They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a
            Camel",  or "de plane Boss, de plane".

             They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who  J. R.
            even is.

             McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

             They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

            Do you feel old yet?

      "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I
      would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say:  I used
      everything you gave me." - Erma Bombeck.
Submitted By Bill Bolin


Senior to young employee:

 If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock)
one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent
deposit, you would have $214.00.>

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.

This is the new retirement program.  I call it the 401Keg program.

Submitted By TFoster

 

THE PERKS OF BEING 50+

1.   Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2.   In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3.   No one expects you to run - anywhere.

4.   People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5.   People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6.   There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7.   Things you buy now won't wear out.

8.   You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9.   You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.

10.  You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11.  You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

12.  You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13.  You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

14.  You sing along with elevator music.

15.  Your eyes won't get much worse.

16.  Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

18.  Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.

19.  Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20.  You can't remember who sent you this list

Submitted By Don Brice

 

There is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who
on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will
not renew his contract, and is moving on to a larger
congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one
wants him to leave.

Brother William (Bubba) Scoles, who owns several car dealer-
ships, stands up and announces, “If the preacher stays, I’ll
provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife
with a minivan, to transport their children!” The congregation
amens, and applauds.
 
Brother Billy Bob Tindall, the entrepreneur and investor,
stands and says, “If the preacher stays, I’ll double his
salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college
education of his children!!” More amens and applause.
 
Senior Sister Ella May Rouse, aged 70, stands and announces, “If the
preacher stays, I’ll give him sex!”
 
There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, “Sister Ella
May, whatever possessed you to say that?”
 
Senior Sister Ella May answers, “I just asked my husband how we could
help, and he said, ‘Screw the preacher.’

Submitted By Senior Don Brice

 

STRETCHING THE RETIREMENT DOLLARS


Being retired and with the economy being so bad and the stock market going down, our monthly pension payment is quite small now and, even with social security, our funds don’t reach as far as we would like. We now shop more conservatively and often visit Wal-Mart for bargains.

I just wanted to share this new secret with my many friends. We may have started a new revolution!

My old JC Penney underwear was starting to wear thin and so we came up with what we hope is a novel idea to stretch our money. Please see the attached photo, which will explain this new, no cost solution for underwear.

If you find merit in this, please forward to everyone you know to help them get through this bad economy ---until better times!


 
 

Submitted By WTHABULIT

 

Subject: Test

 
This is fun. Will bring back memories for some, strain some brains, and educate others who weren't around for all of this! History Exam (Don't peek at the answers 'til you try it). Write answers down as you take the test.


1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?

a. On the floor shift knob b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch c. Next to the horn


2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?

a. Capture lightning bugs b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing c. Large salt shaker


3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?

a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top..


4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?

a. Blackjack b. Gin c. Craps!


5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?

a. Suntan b. Leg painting c. Wearing slacks


6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?

a. Studebaker b. Nash Metro c. Tucker


7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?

a. Strips of dried peanut butter b. Chocolate licorice bars c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside


8. How was Butch wax used?

a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust


9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?

a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key b. Woven straps that crossed the foot c. Long pieces of twine


10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?

a. Consider all the facts b. Ask Mom c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo


11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?

a. Smallpox b. AIDS c. Polio


12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"

a. SUV b. Taxi c. Streetcar


13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?

a. Old Blue b. Paint c. Macaroni


14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?

a. Part of the game of hide and seek b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.


15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?

a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring b. Princess Sacajewea c. Princess Moonshadow


16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?

a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure


17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?

a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos


18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?

a. Meatballs b. Dames c. Ammunition


19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?

a. The Ink Spots b. The Supremes c. The Esquires


20. Who left his heart in
San Francisco?

a. Tony Bennett b. Xavier Cugat c. George Gershwin



ANSWERS   --------------------------------------


1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in
Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with an eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A- bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The all male, all black group: The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.


SCORING ----------------------------------------

17- 20 correct:  You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely a GEEZER!

12-16 correct:  Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger than springtime!

Submitted By Ron Humerickhouse

 

SUPER GRANNY---DEFENDER OF JUSTICE - lol  - Thought you might get a chuckle out of what we all have to look forward to. Just some sooner than others..... > > > >SUPER GRANNY---DEFENDER OF JUSTICE > >- true story Reported on the news in the USA Today (true or not, it’s funny).

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, she found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice. “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station.The sergeant to whom she told the story doubled over on the floor with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. .....ah, senior moments...

Submitted BY Brenda Delawder


 I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week
 from now, a month from now, a year from now.
 
 A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old
 grandson. The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his
 step faltered.
 
 The family ate together at the table. But the
 elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.
 Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
 When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
 The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
 We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son. I’ve had enough
 of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.
 
 So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather
 ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had
 broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
 
 When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometime he had a tear in
 his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the
 couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled
 food.
 
 The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the
 father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on
 the floor. He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?” Just as
 sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat
 your food in when I grow up.” The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
 
 The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears
 started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what
 must be done.
 
 That evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to
 the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate
 every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife
 seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the
 tablecloth soiled.
 
 On a positive note, I’ve learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it
 seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
 
 I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles
 three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
 
 I’ve learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll
 miss them when they’re gone from your life.
 
 I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.”
 
 I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
 
  I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both
 hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
 
 I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But, if you
 focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the
 very best you can, happiness will find you.
 
 I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually
 make the right decision.
 
 I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.
 
 I’ve learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.
 
 People love that human touch—holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly
 pat on the back.
 
 I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.
 
 I’ve learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about.

Submitted By Todd

 

Subject: Food For Thought!

The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.   Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.   After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.   As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. "I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.   "Mrs.. Jones, you haven't seen the room .... just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it . "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away ... just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account ... you withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories. Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing. Remember the five simple rules to be happy:  

1. Free your heart from hatred. 2. Free your mind from worries. 3. Live simply. 4. Give more. 5. Expect less. 
Submitted By Jake

 

 

A Senoir man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking older homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for a Christmas dinner.

  The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead? "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

 "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.  "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

  "Will you spend it on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked."What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!" exclaimed the homeless man.
 
"Well," said the Senior man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific Christmas dinner cooked by my wife."

  The older homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
 

The Senior man replied, "That's okay. I want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

Submitted By Don Brice

Things To Ponder

 1. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

 2. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

 3. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

 4. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

 5. Why do they call it a TV set . when you only have one?

 6. Why do we sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame," when we're already there?

 7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

 8. Why are they called stands when they are made for sitting?

 9. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

 10. When we say something is out of whack, what is a whack?

 11. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

 12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

 13. Why do we put suits in garment bags, and garments in a suitcase?

 14. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light?"

 15. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

 Submitted By Ron Humerickhouse

 

Things Senior Men Have Learned:
 
1. Mother Natures best aphrodesiac is still a naked woman.
 
2. Never run away from a fight you know you can win.
 
3. Senior men know for sure that men are from here, and
    women are from way the heck over there!
Submitted By Wthabulit

 

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest wall. "Big breaths, " instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.  Submitted By Jake

 

Alzheimer's Test -- Count the "F's" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-

SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-

IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE

EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...(see below)


Managed it ?
Scroll down only after you have counted them, okay?





How many ? 3?

Wrong, there are 6 !!--no joke.

Read it again.

The reasoning behind is further down.



The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what ? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your friends--it drives them crazy
From Wthabulit

 

NO NURSING HOME FOR ME!

With the average cost for a Nursing Home reaching $188.00 per
day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old &
feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer,etc.

 Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of
tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp). To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays.

 For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And - you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

 Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience. . The Inn has a night security person and daily room service.

The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life . And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and will probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grand kids can use the pool. What more can you ask for? So when I reach the Golden age, I’ll face it with a grin- Just forward all my email to: me@Holiday_Inn!

And I have long term care insurance.

Submitted By Dan Everett

 

AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A senior staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits
down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the senior continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times
on the wall.The senior mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this
side either"....
D.R. Gans
 

 

Subject: WHEN I EARN MY RETARDMENT.

 
 
WHEN I EARN MY RETARDMENT...
(Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this)
 
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation.  One child wrote the following:
 
We always spent our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa.  They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
 
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.  They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
 
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now.  They play games there and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
 
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on.  I guess they don't know how to swim.
 
At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it.  He watches all day so nobody can escape.  Sometimes they sneak out.  Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
 
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how.  Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.  And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
 
Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
 
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
 
When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the dollhouse.  Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
Submitted By Charles Coleman

 

Some people might say, "Who would want to be 90? And I say, "Anyone who is 89."

Phyllis Diller on "Larry King Live"


Remember: Inside every older person
is a young person wondering
what the hell happened.

Seems that senior citizens are afraid of 3 kind of AIDs -- rolaids, bandaids, and hearing aids.
 

What is the best birth control method for senior citizens> Nudity!

 

OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away

OLD ALCOHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die, they just get wasted

OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter

 

This 90 year old man went to the doctor and told the doctor that he wants his sex life lowered. The doctor looks at him and asked him how old he is. The man replied "I am 90 years old." The doctor said that's ridiculous for a man of your age to ask that his sex life be lowered. It's all in your head. The man replied "I know that's why I want it lowered." -- thanks to F Booher


-The eyes are the 2nd to go...I forget the first...
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the
sandwich."
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a
nail.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?


 

Submitted By Don Brice

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